A Failure was something I thought I would never become.I was often perceived as a prodigy,a star child,A genius.I had my whole life ahead of me,plans to change the world,to change the future,all now crumbled into dust.Vanished into ashes.Gone from existence,now as if they have never been there in the first place.

Walking through the chattering halls of this lively school,I felt hollow,empty.In my hand was a paper.My Physics test.The marks stared up at me in a taunt,mocking manner. A 98%,to any other child it would have been a victory,something to triumph and celebrate about.To me?It was the most devastating loss I had ever experienced.It was a reality I had to face,I was not perfect.

I rushed into the school’s bathroom,slamming the stall door shut.The students outside watched me like I was some freak.Let them stare.Let them watch.Why would I care?the only thing grounding me was the paper in my hand.How could I let this happen?What would my teachers think?What would my friends think?

The train of thoughts paused,and suddenly the grip on my paper tightened as I clenched my hands into fists.What would my parents think?The thought swarmed my head,making my chest feel heavy.

On impulse,I threw the Physics test paper into the toilet flushing away my imperfection.For a moment,I felt a sense of satisfaction,a weight lifted off my shoulders. A perfect moment of bliss and peace,until the thought crashed through my head once more.Maya Segunbat,genius prodigy with a perfect life has disappointed her parents once again.

That day,I vowed to never ever be imperfect again.

Ever.

Little did I know…

That was only just the beginning.

 Grade 10,The year of the Ordinary Level examinations.The year of Maya’s downfall.My school was conducting its annual Debate competition selections.Being selected for 4 years straight,I naturally had a river’s confidence.Debating was like finding a path by least resistance almost as if by instinct.

That was still the dream I was living in.

As the results were placed onto the notice board and everyone gathered around,I alone gasped in shock.The first name on the list would have always been,Maya Segunbat.Now?It was the new kid,Anya Ganbat.She was the leader,the first speaker.She defeated me.

I had to compose myself,I desperately straightened my tie. A voice of reassurance echoed in my head,at least I made the team,right?That should count for some sort of victory.Yet,a little voice whispered in my head,

You failed.

And as the whisper grew louder and louder,my composure gradually decreased.I was on the verge of tears.As dramatic as it may seem,it was true.Coming second place basically meant less recognition,less potential,less effort.I didn’t try hard enough,I could have done better.I was gradually becoming closer to the one thing I hated.The one thing I despised.A failure.

 With a huff and an abrupt turn of my heel I walked away with clenched fists.My knuckles turning white at the tight grip of the clench.Then an obstacle so small that would have not been visible to the naked eye,a small rock to be more precise,was present on the usually polished school floors.My footsteps which felt like hammer blows on wood,and my mind consumed by self deprecating thoughts,did not register the peculiarly small rock.Finally, with a jerky yelp and flapping hands,I fell face first onto the cold tiled floors

The outcome?Was a groan and a muttered curse until,an angelic like voice rang through my ears.

“Are you okay?”

I tilted my head upwards,and there she was.Anya Ganbat,the girl who defeated me,flashing me a genuine and kind grin stripped of any malice or ill intent.I was still highly suspicious of her.Anyone who saw her would have seen her as an angel,with a halo and huge white wings behind her back,and a choir playing in the background by how innocent she seemed.Those bright blue eyes and radiant smile could have fooled anyone.Except that it was meant not to fool anyone at all,but to provide comfort,reassurance.The two things I desperately needed at that moment.Her hand was extended towards me,I should accept it.It was the logical,normal thing to do.

I slapped her hand away.

Call me childish and immature,but if others perceived her as an angel I only saw the devil.Where others saw wings and a halo,I saw horns and a tail.I stood up and with a scoff I turned on my heel,not taking even a look back.

“Of course I’m fine.”

My tone despite it being harsh,was rather softer than I preferred.With one straightening of my coat,I left the scene.

The words uttered in that moment felt hollow.Useless.The complete opposite of the internal turmoil I felt,The jealousy that was left rooted deep into my veins.

I vowed for it to never happen again,and I broke that promise.

Buzz.

The soft vibration of my phone in my pocket signaled a message.If only I knew the path I was taking by engaging in such a message.I should have ignored it,placed my phone on silent mode like I normally would.I didn’t,curiosity was my crime and the punishment was yet to arrive.

The message was sent by an unknown number,with the only thing that was mentioned was “Meet me at Central Park,under the bridge by 3pm.”

I didn’t think much at the time to my own foolishness.Curious as I was,I decided to meet up with this mysterious person.I wish I was wiser in that moment.

That was the day I met him.

He doesn’t have a name.That’s the point,he’s supposed to be mysterious and anonymous.

At 3pm,I was under the bridge of Central Park.It was a smelly place filled with rats,pests and heaps of waste that would make one feel extremely nauseous.

A guy,taller than the average approached me.He wore a suspiciously strange black hoodie and had stuffed his hands into his pockets.His face was barely visible,due to the mask that he wore.The only noticeable feature of him was his eerie and intense hazel gaze.I felt like a statue as he gazed at me with such an unwavering,stoic look

He extended his hand,holding out a packet which contained pills.

I was innocent and naive,I was only just a kid.How could I have ever known…That those pills would ruin  me?

And then,with the trust of a naive toddler I took a step forward.I was not sure what was wrong with my head at the time.I should have ran away frightened.Not seemed allured and walked towards him like a moth drawn to a flame.

My behavior was undeniably unacceptable.But as he spoke the words were blurred and rather…trustworthy.He seemed nice despite the shady look.He offered me a tantalizing glimpse of something I long lost.

Hope.

 He stated that these pills would help me,academically and mentally.I would have been perfect again.My dream would finally come true,I could become the genius prodigy,a star child once more.Obliviously,I took the pills.Not just to my hand,but later that day,I drank

them.

Biggest mistake of my life.

The effects were as promised,I was much more focused now,and mentally I felt much happier.I even won the debate competition with flying colours.Yet there was a feeling of guilt gnawing at me.The fact that I had to be dependent and relied on these pills…Well that seemed quite shameful.And I was too late to realize the addiction that began to flow within my veins.The punishment of my actions was yet to arrive.

2011 April 22nd,was the day the O/L results arrived.The night before I paced around my room,anxiety took a toll within me causing me a sleepless and restless night.As I received the sheet with my results,my hands trembled as I smoothed the crisp paper.

There was my name.My index number.Every single information and date point to prove this was mine and mine alone.

I thought I passed,the pills should have helped me,they should have made me succeed.I should have been perfect…

I failed.

The one subject that I was passionate about,that I had to explain a complex concept to a teacher about,the one subject that brought me pride and joy.The result stared at me in a rather mocking manner.I failed in maths.

The statement was devastatingly accurate,and I couldn’t even deny it.The proof was right there isn’t black and white ink.

I failed,I became the very thing I despised,I hated,the one thing I vowed to never become.

I gritted my teeth,a lump forming in my throat,my eyes lowered towards the paper with unsaid words and unshed tears.I was disappointed,my pride was shattered and my hopes and dreams of the future was gone.

The journey home was a long one.My parents would arrive from there work late.How can I even face them.What would they think?Their daughter failed the Ordinary level examinations.That’s a different kind of shame reserved in the family for centuries.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

These pills were useless over situations like this.I arrived home,and as predicted my parents were still at work.I looked at myself in the mirror with clenched fists and a teary expression.What stared back was not the reflection of a successful prodigy with a bright further ahead.It was a drug addict,with wasted potential.A failure who couldn’t pass the first goal in life.The overwhelming urge to throw something around was maddening.The pent up anger,the surge of emotions coursing through my veins was too much to handle.The pills weren’t working anymore either,I wasn’t happy.I wasn’t…

I didn’t think twice.I glanced at the nearby dish washing liquid,and out of sudden adrenaline,I took the bottle and chugged at it.

I drank and drank until the very last drop.Fire instantly filled my throat the burning sensation was nothing like the numbness I carved earlier.The world dissolved into choking,gagging,and a primal fear that cut through the fog of despair.

I wobbled into my bedroom slamming the door shut with what strength I had.My backpack was shoved onto the floor the Ordinary Level examination result sheet was crumpled in my hand.I lay on the bed,the air thick carrying the faint scent of lemons that clung onto my lips.

My gaze,blurred and distant,was fixed on nothing.A few feet away,where it fluttered from my hand,was the Ordinary result sheet.In the stark light of the single bulb,the letters and numbers were perfectly clear.Showcasing the absolute imperfection of the once bright prodigy.

The dream which had once been so vivid,not a vague wish for success but a yearning for something I once was.The dream was the weight of a gold medal around my neck after winning a debate competition without the help of pills.It was the sound of my name being called first.It was the feeling of being able to work with effortless,perfect clarity.A symphony of logic and grace that I once had.

Now,that dream had a different texture.It was the cool,smooth surface of a trophy I’d never be able to hold once again.It was the echo of applause in an auditorium I’ll never be able to enter.It was the ghost of a self,that was in every mattered,already gone.

As the darkness of the edges of my vision crept inward,the line between reality and my dying fantasy blurred even more.I wasn’t in my cramped up bedroom anymore.I was…on stage,the lights were warm on my skin.The audience roared with cheers of my name and echoes of applause.I turned with the trophy in my hand.Only to realize there was nobody.I was alone in an empty room.The trophy in my hand,vaporized into thin air as if this was an illusion.

This is an illusion.

This was death playing it’s games on me.I was going to die.

My hand lying limp on the bed twitched once,a final,futile attempt to grasp something that didn’t exist anymore.

Maybe,just maybe if I close my eyes…I can escape this horrid nightmare called life and start over.

With a new dream.