I woke up with a splitting headache to find myself all alone in a room with only four walls, a chair and a little light bulb hanging from the ceiling. There wasn’t a door or window in sight, only the four walls surrounding me.

The silence was scary, like the silence you hear in a horror film before something bad suddenly happens. I could only hear my heart beat.

Suddenly I heard a crackling sound and then some strange voice started speaking “make a decision now kid”

What was that?

I was puzzled.

Even though I shouted and cried for help. Even though I asked that voice the meaning of what it said, I did not get any answer.

I was left alone in that room

I must have spent many days there. I was feeling terrible. I was feeling dizzy as I had not eaten or drunken anything during the past few days.

Suddenly the lights began flickering on and off and then I was submerged in the darkness.

I was helpless and confused. All the terrible memories of my past began flooding into my mind. The pain the humiliation all the terrible things I experienced… those were too hard for me to bear, I broke down crying. I dried my tears and laughed loudly then began crying again.

I knew that I was slowly losing my mind. I lost count of the days that went by, but I knew one thing.

I was suffering there all alone…

“Why?”

“Why does all this happen only to me?”

“Why? Why? Why?”

“Can’t anyone see how much I’m suffering? I can’t take this anymore”

I cried, I begged yet everything went unnoticed.

Even before I ended up here I had to go through suffering every day and every night. I wanted to get rid of this pain this hopelessness…

On countless days that I was not in my right mind I tried to slit the veins in my hand but I had no courage to do that. I was a coward. A fool who thought that I could someday find happiness. I longed for happiness I hoped that someday I could find happiness. I could find love. I hoped that someday I would be able to find someone who would care about me. But each and every one I met and knew had hatred towards me.

 Why? What did I do to you all? Why did you hate me so much? Why? Even my own parents seemed to hate me. Once I heard them saying that they wish that I never existed.  Even I wish that. But then why did they give birth to me?  Why was I born? All to suffer each and every day? Every time the people I cared about blamed me I could feel a pain in my chest. Their words were worse than arrows and daggers and the more they blamed me the pain worsened while the wounds went deeper. Perhaps they are not to blame because they would have never even known because these wounds are invisible. I hated myself. Some days I fell asleep while crying. And when I woke up I found scratches along my arms and legs. My throat was hoarse and bloody. I felt sick. Sick of my life. Sick of myself. And after I went all through that… Once again I’m stuck here in an endless circle of suffering? What’s the cause of this suffering? Why do I have to go through this? How can I end this all? How can I? Perhaps I should try to kill myself… but there is no knife here… There is no poison…

 Should I hold my breath?

 Should I wait without breathing?

I tried it and it was hard. I had to fight against the want to take a deep breath but I somehow controlled myself and I had lost consciousness.

I felt the strong yet sweet and calming smell of coffee when I woke up. And I heard the soft voice of someone singing. The voice was sounding very familiar but I could not recall where I had heard it earlier. I slowly tried to open my eyes but it was painful. Just as I opened my eyes I saw the bright sunlight pouring in through a window. It was too bright for my eyes so I hid inside the blanket like a vampire hiding from the sun.

Somehow I was able to adjust my eyes to the bright light, and I got out of the bed. The mirror in front of me showed a lonely creature with thin arms and legs. My eyes were red and there were dark circles which were big as tea bags around my eyes. My face was pale and I was shivering. Was this me? Is this me? How can I… How am I like this? I questioned myself.

Once again I heard the calming melodious voice from downstairs. I slowly headed down and looked around me. There was a woman sitting near a window painting something.  Beside her there was a girl typing something in her computer. I walked towards them. I tried to call them but I couldn’t speak. Even though I tried to push the words out of my mouth, I could only let out a groan. While my dry throat ached like hell and I felt the rusty taste of blood in my mouth. The both of them raised their heads and looked at me while smiling, but their smile did not reach their eyes. Their eyes were filled with a mixture of some short of pain and some emotion I could not recognize.

“Ah come and sit here” the woman said while showing me a chair. “Do you want tea or coffee? Coffee or tea? ” She asked while gazing at the big wall clock in the hall.

 All this seemed familiar. I could recall myself asking the same question from someone who was sitting in the hall busy with her work in the computer. Why? Why is this happening? What is this? Where am I? I asked myself.

The lady started to make something to drink as I didn’t answer her earlier question. Just then I heard a shrill scream. The lady’s dress was on fire. She was burning. I couldn’t bear to see it. Various memories flooded my head. Why was all this familiar? Why did I feel like I had gone through this earlier? Isn’t this the thing called deja vu? Why? Why are those memories hurting me?

 I could see the swirling smoke and the fire going higher and higher in the colours of red, yellow and maroon. Pain, that was all I felt. Her shrill screams were hurting my ears. I could see black spots in front of my eyes. I closed my ears and hid under a table because I could not take this anymore.

Oh god what is all this? Why? Why? What is this? Who are they? How did I come here?

 Various questions flooded my mind. While the curling fire came closer and closer to me while devouring all in its way.

Then, I felt everything spinning around me. I vomited some yellow acidic liquid and I began to cough. My stomach and chest was burning. Everything was turning dark. Everything was spinning around me. All the colours and things around me were blurry. I stood up, but I tripped. And then I fell down deep down into the dark

Black that’s the only thing I saw for some time. I could feel all my bones aching like even those were on fire. My head was still aching like crazy. I felt like someone was hammering something into my head. The pain was too much. Oh god I can’t bear this anymore. Why don’t I die already?

Suddenly the dark started clearing I saw a swirling grey mist coming towards me…

And then just within a blink of an eye everything had changed. I was in a garden. Birds were chirping and a soft breeze was flowing.

 I slowly started seeing various faces and hearing various voices. There were many people around me and they seemed strangely familiar. One person reached towards me and gave her hand for me to hold onto. She had a reassuring smile. Her smile complimented her lovely features and unlike the woman and girl I saw earlier this girl’s eyes were filled with honesty and true happiness. I stretched my hand towards her but just when I touched her fingers her smile slowly dissapeared.evryone around me slowly started disappearing.

The girl near me also started fading and I could see the trees behind her clearly through her transparent hand. She disappeared like as If she had never been there, while her clothes slowly crumbled into dust. Everything disappeared with the strong wind that blew. Slowly the once bright and lively garden grew dark.

Silence that was the only thing left. I could even hear my own breathing and heartbeat. But the familiar lub dub lub dub had increased and it was going on in a faster pace, I had never heard it beating before.

Fear was what I felt. What else am I supposed to see? What else am I supposed to go through? Why? Why? What is this? Who are they? What have they got to do with me? Why am I here? Why didn’t I die? Why?

I asked myself as salty tears cascaded down my eyes.

Again, I woke up. I must have fallen asleep when I was staying in the dark earlier.

Once again I heard that familiar voice and the sweet smell of coffee drifted towards me. I opened my eyes while bearing the pain. The sunlight was pouring out of the window like earlier. I limped down the stairs and once again those two were in front of me. They were doing the same thing as earlier and were wearing the same clothes. I looked at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. I accidentally twisted my stiff neck while looking at the clock and I tripped while walking. The two of them lifted their heads and smiled after seeing me, but still their expression was the same as earlier.

“Ah come and sit here” that lady said again. While showing me a chair like earlier. What was happening?

Seriously this deja vu thing is messing up my mind. Or has my mind already been messed up?

She asked the same questions and did the same things there was no difference in anyway. Was I supposed to change her fate? I asked myself. Perhaps that’s why I’m here I thought.

I tried to warn her about the accident that would happen but I couldn’t speak. My throat was bleeding and the rusty taste of blood made me want to vomit. I quickly grabbed a paper that was nearby along with a pen and started to write on the paper. My swollen fingers did not cooperate with me but I somehow managed to write the sentence “it’s alright; I’m not thirsty” she looked at what I had written and smiled “do you want something to eat then, dear?” She asked. I quickly shook my head to say no. And she shrugged in response before sitting again In front of her drawing. Now everything would be alright. I said to myself.

But, I was wrong.

A shrill scream came from the girl as her eyes widened in fear. Flames of fire shot out of her laptop before completely covering her. I could see boils appearing in her exposed skin while the woman tried her best to contain the fire. She grabbed the water jug and threw the water at her daughter. But unfortunately it only made the flames go higher and higher. Soon my vision was interrupted by the swirling black smoke and flames that had now spreaded. I could hear both of them shouting for help, but I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless. I was scared of these deadly flames. Everything was on repeat. The pain I felt was unbearable. The tears that were flowing from my eyes were immediately dried by the heat of the fire. I was frozen. I was helpless. My mind was not giving me any instructions. I felt only fear and pain. Then darkness was all that I began seeing again after the black smoke covered my eyes.

Again I felt myself losing consciousness, darkness was spreading around me.

And down, down I fell, deep down into the dark

I realized that this never ending cycle didn’t seem to end. Why not give up I thought again.

Just then I heard the sound of ringing bells. I walked towards that direction in the dark

Bright lights that nearly blinded me shone and then I felt the needle of a syringe going through my arm. Slowly I was able to see around me. I saw someone familiar looking at me. Wasn’t it my father?

“When will it work” I heard him say

“As soon as it reaches her blood stream” I heard a woman reply before I fell down into the dark to wake up with a splitting headache to find myself all alone in a room with only four walls, a chair and a little light bulb hanging from the ceiling.