Monologue of My Global Pandemic of Life
by Pavani Lokuhettiarachchi

TV was running in the background .The voice of the anchor dictated the aura of the house. Tune of the breaking news on TV was what we all expected to hear , though we hated it the most . The rush of adrenaline to our brain was what kept us alive . We were living in the full fledged survival mode driven brain space . We hated every bit of it yet it felt exciting .We were excited to hear the saddest , scariest news on TV. Our collective ego was having fun by expecting the worst . Expecting the humongous rise of cases per day . Collective ego was something we weren’t able to escape and we tuned into the energy of it,  like moths to the flame . We spent hours consuming News of Covid 19 on every social media platform.  At the end of the day, I felt my every being was captivated by the unknown force which drained every ounce of hope out of my body . 

There was no space for hope , a humongous space of my mind and body was willingly sacrificed to my mind who was living in survival mode . 

I may sound like a sadist for saying that I liked the chaos we lived in . I liked the calamity that struck the whole world . I liked to see people suffer when they saw their illusory perfect world crumbled right in front of their eyes . I liked to see people trying their best to find light in this dark tunnel called global pandemic .

I liked it . I liked to stay inside of my home. But now with the consent of the whole world . Previously I had to explain myself to the whole world why I preferred to stay inside my room . Why I needed  my own space unbothered. Why I needed to say fuck off when I was invited to public gatherings . And was asked questions which invaded my personal space.  I loved seeing all the people feel trapped inside of their home unwillingly . I thought it was a punishment they all received for mocking me for being the introvert that I am .

Everyone was drenched in fear. I laughed at them . I always asked myself Why ? It is a common knowledge that the global pandemic was meant to happen before the great reset in 2030. So it was expected  . Basically global pandemic was just the tip of the iceberg of the grandeur project called the Great Reset . But who would understand if they were told that this was nothing but a man made macabre which was constantly fuelled with the help of the mass media . 

I watched them drowning in fear in each passing day .They experienced their next door neighbour as nothing but a walking breathing ticking bomb -a bio hazard, a terrorist who would willing to take the lives of others by just coughing or sneezing in front of them . 

Some wore gloves , shields, layers of masks , and tons of bottles of sanitizers instead of perfume . Every living breathing human next to them was nothing but a threat to their existence.  They picked a packet of Dhal just using their fingertips as if it was just rescued from the gutter.  

I laughed at them . I laughed at the power the government and mass media always had over the public mind . Eyes were filled with fear , pleading for the breath of hope . I laughed at them for not being a human but a controlled agent in the well scripted play by the people in the top of the pyramid.  

Were they blind ? Or did they choose to be blind ? If it was the latter case , why would they act blind ? Because it was an easy and comfortable path or was it because they were drugged ? What was the reason? 

Watching them choose to live in fear and in survival mode was something I thoroughly enjoyed throughout the pandemic . I may not know how I was perceived during the peak of the global pandemic ! … yet I was pretty sure I was the lunatic in the lot. 

The one who refused to accept the harsh , fear driven , hopeless , reality . But how could I have explained it to them loudly and clearly that as a collective we were going through a period of  collective psychosis,  spiritually the collective dark night of the soul . 

A few pages of my favourite monologue 

I was in a relationship. A one sided relationship for two years , luckily 

I had a boyfriend before the global pandemic. I was not his girlfriend yet he was my boyfriend.  Hope it made sense to you . He was my cheating boyfriend who would know how to make someone happy instantly. His forte was making good first impressions on strangers, he was adamantly consistent with making a good first impression on the familiar stranger for two years. I am his favourite stranger ,The one who he never thought would ever get to know all the little dalliances he had around the world . He was my global pandemic.  My own emotional bio hazard that I did let inside of my well protected emotional space 

He was someone easy to read . He did everything that cheating boyfriend would do . His excuses were so boldly awkward . Sometimes I did get goosebumps listening to him . They were big fat lies only a fool would believe. Just like everyone else in the pandemic… I acted blind in front of my global pandemic. 

Who would want a fight with a cheating boyfriend who believed I was oblivious to his global dalliances . I waited for his messages . Very passionate messages sprinkled with cheating love . It made my day . Pampered my ego . Fulfilled my emotional needs . My global pandemic was oblivious to my knowledge of his true nature.  For him I was naive , I was a kid who loved him unconditionally, he was my first love. He was Darsh.

I laughed at the whole world for living in fear .. I laughed at the whole world for letting their lives be controlled by the well scripted mind game, yet here I was , letting my global pandemic make me choose instant validation over  emotionally healthy human interaction. He was lusting me , I was calling it love . He was making me feel unworthy of an emotionally available partner and I was letting him do as he wished and I called it UNCONDITIONAL love. His ego was spoiled by everything I said and I did, I loved him (at least that’s what I want to believe ), even at times I lied confidently when I said ” I love you “at the end of the call. Because I wasn’t feeling worthy of anything more than his half hearted love. I didn’t want to lose him in the middle of the unknown catastrophe called “Covid 19, the real global pandemic “.

With a Good morning message and a selfie from him , I started my day . I was happy to have him because I had someone I could be emotionally vulnerable with  . He was family , because my family was furthest with me emotionally. I laughed at all the pandemic love stories , memes I saw on social media  , and I was having this half hearted love story of my own secretly . I think I was the happiest yet the saddest . Happiest because my ego was pampered by him with all the emotional roller coaster ride he did let me have , the saddest because the longevity of the emotional fulfilment that I always received was the shortest I ever experienced. He was the dream that disappeared in the thin air when I woke up. I wanted more from him  but I never asked, because he was my global pandemic. You couldn’t have a cease-fire with a global pandemic , just must take mild precautions to be taken in order to avoid the obvious unavoidable hazards. 

On days where I was anxious and deprived of my fair share of dopamine and serotonin, the tune of the breaking news aired pierced every pore of my mind , and  shattered my sense of safety that I was weaving confidently around my mental space. On days like that I ran to him , I cried , I lied , I laughed  , he lied , he soothed me , he laughed, and I was reminded of the importance of having a global pandemic on my own in the middle of the real global pandemic .

 

March 2020

Now I say to myself it was never love but it is a lie I want to repeat again and again, but I know deep down he was giving the love that was familiar to me , the love that I always received from everyone , a half hearted love , non committal love , love that I always had to performed for , love that I had always have to work hard for , emotionally unavailable love , love where I had no space for my needs and wants , love where I was silently asked to suppressed my wants and needs ..  He showered me with the familiar love that I knew my whole life . 

 

April 2020

When things got boring he would say that he had run out of food and he was helpless ,  he would vent about it for hours,  complain about his family , and all the responsibilities that he had to shoulder . In the middle of these conversations I felt a sense of belonging to his world. He lived thousands of miles away from me… it was a habit of mine that  I always believed he always lied confidently. Even after knowing almost all his dalliances around  the world, I did let him lie to me confidently. I lived a lie believing I belonged in his bubble , the lie I repeatedly chose to be my identity because it was the first time I was needed and wanted by a human being. I always wanted to be needed by someone , for me it was the happiest form of love . He never made me feel complete , and that non committal,  incompleteness in the bond we shared  was what made me never give up on him , especially during the global pandemic. I didn’t want to be alone in the house where I never belonged. He made space for my illusory reality in which I was truly myself … 

2020 July

Miraculously , dynamics of the Covid 19 pandemic and the bond we shared were similar in many ways , therefore when the intensity of the threat that  Covid 19 exuded with its unknown power over human beings in the beginning of the pandemic subsided for real , I felt hopeful within the relationship with him . Felt stupid in the beginning for feeling hopeful in the relationship which led nowhere,  yet first time in two years I asked him for more … . I wanted more , I needed more , I became greedy with all the possibilities that my hopeful mind could picture in front me .. … That marked the end of my global pandemic that lasted for two and half years . I loved him , I lusted him , he was my emotional blanket who soothed me . 

I never said goodbye to him .

I finally chose to disappear permanently from his life. 

Because I deserved a happy goodbye.  

Because I did not have the courage to break my heart by confronting him . 

I chose to be a stranger again. 

The end .

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