TV was running in the background .The voice of the anchor dictated the aura of the house. Tune of the breaking news on TV was what we all expected to hear , though we hated it the most . The rush of adrenaline to our brain was what kept us alive . We were living in the full fledged survival mode driven brain space . We hated every bit of it yet it felt exciting .We were excited to hear the saddest , scariest news on TV. Our collective ego was having fun by expecting the worst . Expecting the humongous rise of cases per day . Collective ego was something we weren’t able to escape and we tuned into the energy of it, like moths to the flame . We spent hours consuming News of Covid 19 on every social media platform. At the end of the day, I felt my every being was captivated by the unknown force which drained every ounce of hope out of my body .
There was no space for hope , a humongous space of my mind and body was willingly sacrificed to my mind who was living in survival mode .
I may sound like a sadist for saying that I liked the chaos we lived in . I liked the calamity that struck the whole world . I liked to see people suffer when they saw their illusory perfect world crumbled right in front of their eyes . I liked to see people trying their best to find light in this dark tunnel called global pandemic .
I liked it . I liked to stay inside of my home. But now with the consent of the whole world . Previously I had to explain myself to the whole world why I preferred to stay inside my room . Why I needed my own space unbothered. Why I needed to say fuck off when I was invited to public gatherings . And was asked questions which invaded my personal space. I loved seeing all the people feel trapped inside of their home unwillingly . I thought it was a punishment they all received for mocking me for being the introvert that I am .
Everyone was drenched in fear. I laughed at them . I always asked myself Why ? It is a common knowledge that the global pandemic was meant to happen before the great reset in 2030. So it was expected . Basically global pandemic was just the tip of the iceberg of the grandeur project called the Great Reset . But who would understand if they were told that this was nothing but a man made macabre which was constantly fuelled with the help of the mass media .
I watched them drowning in fear in each passing day .They experienced their next door neighbour as nothing but a walking breathing ticking bomb -a bio hazard, a terrorist who would willing to take the lives of others by just coughing or sneezing in front of them .
Some wore gloves , shields, layers of masks , and tons of bottles of sanitizers instead of perfume . Every living breathing human next to them was nothing but a threat to their existence. They picked a packet of Dhal just using their fingertips as if it was just rescued from the gutter.
I laughed at them . I laughed at the power the government and mass media always had over the public mind . Eyes were filled with fear , pleading for the breath of hope . I laughed at them for not being a human but a controlled agent in the well scripted play by the people in the top of the pyramid.
Were they blind ? Or did they choose to be blind ? If it was the latter case , why would they act blind ? Because it was an easy and comfortable path or was it because they were drugged ? What was the reason?
Watching them choose to live in fear and in survival mode was something I thoroughly enjoyed throughout the pandemic . I may not know how I was perceived during the peak of the global pandemic ! … yet I was pretty sure I was the lunatic in the lot.
The one who refused to accept the harsh , fear driven , hopeless , reality . But how could I have explained it to them loudly and clearly that as a collective we were going through a period of collective psychosis, spiritually the collective dark night of the soul .
A few pages of my favourite monologue
I was in a relationship. A one sided relationship for two years , luckily
I had a boyfriend before the global pandemic. I was not his girlfriend yet he was my boyfriend. Hope it made sense to you . He was my cheating boyfriend who would know how to make someone happy instantly. His forte was making good first impressions on strangers, he was adamantly consistent with making a good first impression on the familiar stranger for two years. I am his favourite stranger ,The one who he never thought would ever get to know all the little dalliances he had around the world . He was my global pandemic. My own emotional bio hazard that I did let inside of my well protected emotional space
He was someone easy to read . He did everything that cheating boyfriend would do . His excuses were so boldly awkward . Sometimes I did get goosebumps listening to him . They were big fat lies only a fool would believe. Just like everyone else in the pandemic… I acted blind in front of my global pandemic.
Who would want a fight with a cheating boyfriend who believed I was oblivious to his global dalliances . I waited for his messages . Very passionate messages sprinkled with cheating love . It made my day . Pampered my ego . Fulfilled my emotional needs . My global pandemic was oblivious to my knowledge of his true nature. For him I was naive , I was a kid who loved him unconditionally, he was my first love. He was Darsh.
I laughed at the whole world for living in fear .. I laughed at the whole world for letting their lives be controlled by the well scripted mind game, yet here I was , letting my global pandemic make me choose instant validation over emotionally healthy human interaction. He was lusting me , I was calling it love . He was making me feel unworthy of an emotionally available partner and I was letting him do as he wished and I called it UNCONDITIONAL love. His ego was spoiled by everything I said and I did, I loved him (at least that’s what I want to believe ), even at times I lied confidently when I said ” I love you “at the end of the call. Because I wasn’t feeling worthy of anything more than his half hearted love. I didn’t want to lose him in the middle of the unknown catastrophe called “Covid 19, the real global pandemic “.
With a Good morning message and a selfie from him , I started my day . I was happy to have him because I had someone I could be emotionally vulnerable with . He was family , because my family was furthest with me emotionally. I laughed at all the pandemic love stories , memes I saw on social media , and I was having this half hearted love story of my own secretly . I think I was the happiest yet the saddest . Happiest because my ego was pampered by him with all the emotional roller coaster ride he did let me have , the saddest because the longevity of the emotional fulfilment that I always received was the shortest I ever experienced. He was the dream that disappeared in the thin air when I woke up. I wanted more from him but I never asked, because he was my global pandemic. You couldn’t have a cease-fire with a global pandemic , just must take mild precautions to be taken in order to avoid the obvious unavoidable hazards.
On days where I was anxious and deprived of my fair share of dopamine and serotonin, the tune of the breaking news aired pierced every pore of my mind , and shattered my sense of safety that I was weaving confidently around my mental space. On days like that I ran to him , I cried , I lied , I laughed , he lied , he soothed me , he laughed, and I was reminded of the importance of having a global pandemic on my own in the middle of the real global pandemic .
Now I say to myself it was never love but it is a lie I want to repeat again and again, but I know deep down he was giving the love that was familiar to me , the love that I always received from everyone , a half hearted love , non committal love , love that I always had to performed for , love that I had always have to work hard for , emotionally unavailable love , love where I had no space for my needs and wants , love where I was silently asked to suppressed my wants and needs .. He showered me with the familiar love that I knew my whole life .
When things got boring he would say that he had run out of food and he was helpless , he would vent about it for hours, complain about his family , and all the responsibilities that he had to shoulder . In the middle of these conversations I felt a sense of belonging to his world. He lived thousands of miles away from me… it was a habit of mine that I always believed he always lied confidently. Even after knowing almost all his dalliances around the world, I did let him lie to me confidently. I lived a lie believing I belonged in his bubble , the lie I repeatedly chose to be my identity because it was the first time I was needed and wanted by a human being. I always wanted to be needed by someone , for me it was the happiest form of love . He never made me feel complete , and that non committal, incompleteness in the bond we shared was what made me never give up on him , especially during the global pandemic. I didn’t want to be alone in the house where I never belonged. He made space for my illusory reality in which I was truly myself …
Miraculously , dynamics of the Covid 19 pandemic and the bond we shared were similar in many ways , therefore when the intensity of the threat that Covid 19 exuded with its unknown power over human beings in the beginning of the pandemic subsided for real , I felt hopeful within the relationship with him . Felt stupid in the beginning for feeling hopeful in the relationship which led nowhere, yet first time in two years I asked him for more … . I wanted more , I needed more , I became greedy with all the possibilities that my hopeful mind could picture in front me .. … That marked the end of my global pandemic that lasted for two and half years . I loved him , I lusted him , he was my emotional blanket who soothed me .
I never said goodbye to him .
I finally chose to disappear permanently from his life.
Because I deserved a happy goodbye.
Because I did not have the courage to break my heart by confronting him .
I chose to be a stranger again.
The end .